the thief of joy

via

On Friday night, I got sucked in to Facebook and stayed up until the wee hours of the morning.  One thing led to another and I wasted an entire night just creeping through people's profiles.  I'm so disgusted with myself that I've decided to take the month off of Facebook.  I'm not sure how our society has evolved into this over-sharing, over-opinionated group of people.  It's all done in innocence, I think, but the constant desire to show everyone what we're doing at every moment or the whole "pictures or it didn't happen" mentality is absolutely crazy.  Now, when we see what people or doing or what people have, we feel the need to get where they are or get what they have.

I'm excited to see what this month will be like.  Where will I spend my extra time?  Reading?  Exercising?  Probably online window shopping, to be completely honest, since I took the month of January off from spending money.

Pumping at Work: Supplies, Schedule, Struggles

I'm no expert, but I have learned a few things over the last couple of weeks while breastfeeding and being away from Allison.  Pumping at work is almost just as difficult as learning how to breastfeed was.  There is the constant question of 'will I produce enough to satisfy my very hungry daughter's appetite?'.  Allison is almost 5 months old and has been eating 3-4 ounce bottles at daycare each day.  Our daycare has just recently requested 4 bottles of milk per day to make sure that Allie has enough to eat.  Cue Chelsea freak out...I certainly don't have time to pump 4 times each day but I really don't think Allison is ready for solids yet.  I'm hoping once we introduce solids between 5-6 months, her milk intake will settle back down.

So, our set up looks something like this:

1. Medela Advanced Personal Breastpump with On the Go Tote--I have no complaints about this pump.  The bag is kind of large but with everything in there that I need, there's not much left over space.
2. Dr. Brown's 8 oz Bottles--We have 8 Dr. Brown's bottles that we send to daycare with Allison.  Yes, there are a lot of parts but Allison eats from them with no problems.  We had such a hard time getting her to eat from a bottle in the first place...maybe later down the road we'll try to transition her to a bottle with less pieces, but these work great for now.
3. Parmolive Baby Dish Wash--I like this soap MUCH better than the Medela brand bottle soap.  There is no residue left in the bottles when we wash them and the price is a million times better.  I got 3 very large bottles for the price of 1 small Medela bottle.
4. Insulated lunch bag--I use a very plain insulated lunch bag from Target to carry her bottles to daycare.  If I know I'll be out longer with her bottles, I'll stick a freezer pack in it.
5. Bottle Brush--We keep a bottle brush stuck on our kitchen sink pretty much all the time.  I like the ones that are able to stand up--either with a suction cup or holder like the one in the picture.  If we have guests over, we stand it up in our baby cabinet.

I filled our freezer with milk while I was on maternity leave.  At first, I was really confused about when to pump and there were a few times that I burned myself because I pumped both sides and then had an awake, hungry baby earlier than expected.  Then, out of the blue, Allison began to sleep through the night.  For a few weeks, I was able to pump every morning and get at least 6 ounces and still have plenty left over to feed Allison when she woke up.  That's all well and good but now I have bags upon bags of 6 ounces in the freezer and I often only need 2 or 3 ounces to supplement what I was able to pump at work.  I'm kicking myself for not splitting it up now.

I pump 3 times every day at work--9:30 am, 12:30 pm, and 3:30 pm for 10-30 minutes.  I can get anywhere between 2-6 ounces each time.  I'm currently only pumping one side at a time--that may change when she gets a little older.  I'm lucky enough to have a private office that I am able to pump in at work.  Before I get started, I make sure I have water and don't have to pee.  I bring an extra sandwich bag for my pump parts so I can keep them refrigerated in between pumping sessions.

Every night, Carson washes all of Allison's bottles and my pump parts.  We use a giant pot but if we had a sink stopper, we would use that instead.  We also have a very simple bottle rack that I picked up at Target for $6.  If for whatever reason bottles don't get washed at night, I have a few Medela sterilizer bags and I just toss everything in the microwave before I leave for work.

There have been a few times that I became pretty concerned with my supply and I did some research and decided that I HAD to have lactation cookies to boost my production.  The only ingredient that I was missing in my cabinets was brewer's yeast.  When Carson couldn't find brewer's yeast in the store, I turned to plan B--drinking beer.  Maybe it was the placebo effect or maybe it actually worked, but I do notice a slight different in my supply when I have a beer a few nights in a row.

If you asked me for my advise, I would say:

-Take advantage of your baby sleeping longer increments to build up your freezer stash
-Freeze your milk in 2 ounce increments always
-Don't waste money on the hands-free pumping bra
-Set a reminder on your phone or computer to pump
-Sit up straight
-Ask for help

I was never able to find much online about pumping at work so hopefully this helps at least a few people!

three months

Month Three!

I feel like this month we truly moved from having a 'newborn' to having a baby.  There were so many things that happened!  From Allie's first flight to the first time she rolled over--she's such a joy to be around and we feel so blessed to have such a happy baby.  I absolutely love seeing her smile.  I hope she always smiles the way she does now, with her eyes all squinty and her tongue sticking out.  She may only be 3 months old, but she's such a great companion.  When we go on walks, she has started to put her foot up against the stroller edge and just totally epitomizes "chillin".  Being pregnant opened up a lot of conversation with strangers but having a baby opens it up even more.  I love it.

We think Allie weighs around 15 pounds now.  She won't have another official weigh-in until her 4 month Well Check.  Her eyes are a dark grey and in certain lights they look very brown, so we're thinking they'll change in the next couple of months.  Her hair initially looked reddish as it was coming in but as it's getting longer, it is looking more brown.  She has had some minor cradle cap issues but the other day I rubbed some coconut oil on her little head and it brushed right out!  Good ol' coconut oil.  She has started to drool a LOT in the last week or so and likes to suck on our hands and fabric (she especially loves when she can grab a hold of her bedroom curtains while I'm changing her).  Maybe she's getting ready to start teething?  Not sure but these are certainly new developments in the health department.

Allie is still a great sleeper.  She has been sleeping through the night since she was 9 weeks old.  On September 12, she started eating every 2 hours on the dot and since September 15, she's been sleeping 9 hours or more each night.  We had a few issues when we traveled to New Orleans but overall, we think she handled sleeping in a different place in a different timezone very well.  She did get a little messed up at the end and now (about a week after returning home) she is still not consistently sleeping through the night.  

Here's what her typical schedule looks like:

7:00 eat
7:50 sleep
9:00 eat
9:50 sleep
11:00 eat
11:50 sleep
1:00 eat
1:50 sleep
3:00 eat
3:50 sleep
5:00 eat
5:50 sleep
7:00 bath time, bedtime routine
8:00 eat
8:30 sleep

Allie is still EBF.  Like I mentioned above, she moved from eating every 3 hours to every 2 hours on her own.  I'm trying really hard to stretch her back out to 3 because I think she needs to take longer naps.  When she wakes up, she is typically still rubbing her eyes and yawning.  If we let her soothe herself back to sleep, she will typically make it to the 3 hour mark.  We're still trying to work everything out though.

When people ask me how old Allie is, I love seeing the surprise on their faces when I tell them.  It's typically followed up with "Are you nursing?" and then "Ahh, that's why."  She's a chunky little monkey but I love all her rolls.  She's wearing a mix of 3 month and 3-6 sized clothes.  (I say that but today she wore a 6 month hoodie and leggings.)  I think we'll be moving her up soon because of the length.  She must finally be getting longer because her onesies are really stretching around the neck.  She is still wearing size 2 diapers.

This month, due to all the traveling and excessive drooling, we've been loving the aden + anais swaddle blankets.  I use them as a nursing cover, burp cloths, blanket (for myself), and we swaddle her with her arms out in them every night.  We also use (and LOVE) the Circo Receiving Blankets from Target as burp cloths.  She's been spitting up more the past couple of weeks so we try to have one of these within reach wherever we go.

Allie met Carson's grandfather while we were in New Orleans and she also spent a few days with my mom.  She smiles all the time now and we get what we think is a laugh out of her every now and then.  We're so thankful that we've had the opportunity to spend so much time with both of our families over the past 3 months.  

We really only get cries when Allie is tired.  The hardest part of the flight home from New Orleans was just the fact that she couldn't get comfortable enough to sleep.  Eventually she fell asleep sitting on my lap while I rubbed her belly.  Thankfully, everyone around us was very understanding.

Allie is very interested in toys now and likes to lick things or have things in her mouth.  If she wants something in her mouth, she will very slowly lean towards it with her mouth open and grunt.  She LOVES to be facing forward in the Baby Bjorn because she sucks the crap out of the fabric.  So much so that her drool soaks through to the other side of the carrier.  She's also loving staring at lights and ceiling fans.

On the other hand, she hates being dried off after her bath and we're still struggling with bottle feeding.  

As for me, I feel great!  I have started to lose some hair but it's no more than I lost my last semester of college when I was constantly stressing about finding a job.  I seem to have more acne these days and I'm not sure if that's still extra hormones or if it's because of my diet.

This month has really been full of so many developments and changes.  Allie can scoot around in her crib now.  At one point in New Orleans, I noticed she was making really muffled grunting sounds and when I went to check on her, she had wedged herself into the corner of the pack n' play completely perpendicular to the way I had laid her.  She also rolled from her stomach to her back twice now.  She has officially discovered her voice.  She makes a lot more noises now and knows how to change the pitch of her babbles.  She seems to be crying a good deal louder these days.  Speaking of crying, she officially makes tears and it breaks my heart.  The second she starts crying, the tears start streaming.

I'll leave you with the pictures below. Carson around 4 months old, Allison today, and me a couple of months old.  I would guess how old I was based off of the cold weather clothing but I'm sure we lived in Maryland or Wisconsin so it was probably one constant winter season.  You can see Allie is pretty much 100% Noble though.

Thoughts on Motherhood

via

I've never been a worrier.  I feel like I've been pretty laid back and kind of just let things happen--at least the for last couple of years.  Motherhood has been a whole different ballgame.  I feel a constant mix of love/happiness/worry/excitement/sadness/pride.  Does she need socks?  Is she too hot?  Look at that smile!  I only have how many days left with her?  Will she ever take a bottle?  She's so strong!  She's SO cute!  SQUISHY THIGHS!  You just ate!  Cold hands!  Please let go of my hair/glasses/book.  She amazes me every day and I absolutely love being her mother.

I was so concerned in the beginning about getting breastfeeding down.  That was my goal and I wasn't going to let anything stand  in my way.  Because of that, Allie did not take a bottle until after she was 4 weeks old.  We've attempted to give her one bottle a week since she was about 2 months old but I'm really worried it's been too little to late.  Now, I have 2 weeks before I have to return to work and I'm doing everything I can to try to get her to take a bottle.  Once breastfeeding was going good, I should have started giving Allie more bottles.  It's hard though considering how easy breastfeeding is now.  I hate having to pump, make a bottle, warm the bottle, clean the bottle, etc, etc, etc.  I love breastfeeding but now I'm kicking myself.

Speaking of breastfeeding, I heard so much how it makes the pounds just fall off of you.  Totally not the case with me but I'm okay with that.  I still have 15 pounds to lose but I'm fine with keeping those if it means that I'll be successful breastfeeding (there's that thing again).  I'd hate to try really hard to lose those pounds and then have my supply tank.  So for now, I'll continue going on walks and running every now and then but I'm not going to push it.  Besides, there's a certain baby I'd rather be spending my time with and she can't go running with me yet.

I can tell you the exact moment that I felt a connection with Allie and it wasn't when she was born.  That was something that was really important to me and had a big role in my decision to breastfeed and have a natural delivery.  I was under the impression that without the impairment of drugs or an epidural, that I would instantly be bonded to my baby.  Not the case.  It happened at her 8 week Well Check.  I was surprised that it took that long, to be honest.  During weeks 1-7, I felt very protective but not bonded.  When she locked eyes with me across the room in the doctor's office that day, I melted.  I love that chunky little baby so much and I'm so excited to be her mom for the rest of my life and watch her grow.

I struggle with my priorities.  One night, Carson asked me if I felt like a mom first and a wife second.  The answer was yes, absolutely yes.  The night before, I had just been talking to my bible study group about how I'm struggling to realign my priorities.  I'm so totally wrapped up in everything Allie that I've been totally fine pushing my marriage and my relationship with God to the side.  I think it will be something I struggle with everyday.  I can totally see how parents get so wrapped up in their children's lives that they forget who they are and who their spouse is.  If I'm not with her, I'm thinking about her.  If I'm not holding her, I'm thinking about her.  If I AM with her, I'm thinking about her.  When she's sleeping, I'm thinking about her.  At this point, I absolutely can not fathom having another child.

I thought that I would want Allie wearing a headband constantly but it truly hurts my heart when I take it off and it has left a mark on her little head.  She even has a tiny head!  She was only in the 17th percentile at her 2 month doctor visit for head size.  She may look like a little boy at times, but I can't handle the feeling that I'm squishing her head just for the sake of cuteness.  Beauty should not be pain until you can choose to do it to yourself.

My views on abortion and child abuse are different and very passionate now.  After carrying my child for 40+ weeks and experiencing life with her in the flesh for the past 13 weeks, the thought of people murdering their children or having a child and possibly not wanting it or not doing the responsible thing if they know they can't care for it--it makes me want to throw up.  Bakersfield has something called the Garden of Innocence and recently buried three babies that were unwanted and died.  I can't even read/watch the stories without tearing up.  Here's the recent article on the Garden of Innocence.

I have mixed emotions about my return to work.  Carson and I have talked quite a bit about whether I should return or not.  Ultimately, I feel like no matter what I decide, there will be a part of me that wishes I could have the other.  One on hand, I like that working will allow for me to maintain my identity (something I struggle with when spending 24/7 with Allie) and will give me a chance to get up in the mornings and have something to look nice for.  Something to get me out of the house and some adult interaction.  On the other hand, I'm devastated that I won't be able to be at home with Allie.  I'll miss our moments together and I hate that by the time I get home, it will basically be time to start her bedtime routine and put her down.  I don't know how things will be when I go back to work.  I imagine things will be difficult.  But we've already experienced a little of what it would be like these past couple of months and it's not exactly easy either.

I had so many things I thought I would do in regards to sleeping.  I've coslept a couple of times but I slept so terribly that I didn't think it was worth it.  I was so aware of the fact that she was there that I couldn't fall into a very deep sleep.  It's adorable being right next to her while she's sleeping but not something I could do every night.  To ensure that Carson could get sleep, I slept on the couch and in the guest room with Allie in the bassinet or rocker for 6 weeks and then we moved her into her room and crib.  I thought I might have issues with letting Allie 'cry it out' but I have zero.  She's a good sleeper and if it takes 2 minutes of crying for her to get there, so be it.  She's been sleeping in her crib almost exclusively since she was about 7 weeks old.

I learn something new every day.  I never thought much about what it would be like to be a mother but it is far better than anything I ever dreamed of.

Currently...

At 5 weeks old, Allison:

-has finally started to overwhelm me (what's sleep?)
-hates the pacifier
-still has a couple of chins
-grabs onto my hair and won't let go
-follows her reflection in the mirror
-still has blue eyes and reddish hair
-looks more and more like Carson every day
-prefers to be held facing out
-lifts her head during tummy time when I ask her to (or is that just in my head?)

After 5 weeks, I:

-use Visene daily
-went back to the gym and it felt great
-was finally able to shove my engagement ring back on my finger (still waiting for the Aggie ring to fit again)
-am SICK of social media (what else is there to do while breastfeeding?)
-get so happy when she smiles, and get so sad when she frowns (she's mastered both)
-still think that breastfeeding is hard sometimes but wouldn't dream of doing it any differently
-can't imagine how parents survived without Google

Recovery and 2 Week Update

To be completely honest, I was more worried about what recovery would be like than what labor would be like.  There are so many horror stories online about how long and how terrible people's recoveries were.  I should have considered that everyone would have their own story, but for some reason it was just in my mind that it would all be terrible.

The worst part of recovery BY FAR took place in the hospital when the nurses "massaged" my uterus after I gave birth.  They came every 30 minutes and squeezed the crap out of me and it felt almost worse than labor.  The first pee after giving birth was a little rough just because I couldn't remember how to use those muscles for something as simple as peeing.  I also had a nurse standing directly in front of me, so who knows, maybe I was just a little pee shy.  I was able to make it happen after about 5 minutes of focusing on it, haha.  I also took a container of prunes with me to the hospital which made all other situations a breeze.  Not a big deal at all.

I feel pretty lucky that my recovery has been so easy.  On the second day in the hospital, I was going crazy being in bed.  I was SO glad to get out of there and be home.  I'm pretty sure I took my first walk around the neighborhood when Allie was 3 or 4 days old.  My mom and I took her to the mall with us when she was 6 days old.  I felt back to my old self as soon as I was home.  I wanted to walk around, move about, and LEAVE THE HOUSE.

I was cut in 2 places.  I'm not sure how many stitches I had, but they were all dissolved after about a week and a half and I quit using the peri bottle a couple of days ago.  The only time that I really experienced discomfort with the stitches was while watching an episode of America's Funniest Home Videos.  Excessive laughing does get uncomfortable.  I also found that I couldn't blow my nose for a few days but no big deal.

I made those relief pads while I was still pregnant and I've been using them just because I don't want them to go to waste but honestly, I didn't need them.  And I ended up only using the Tucks Medicated Pads that the hospital gave me once or twice because I felt like they were getting stuck to my stitches and I didn't like fishing them out.  I didn't have any issues not using them.

I weighed myself on Monday and so far I've lost 20 pounds.  I can fit into some of my bigger pre-pregnancy jeans but still not into what I was wearing on a daily basis.  I do still have about 20 pounds left to lose.  It'll happen, I'm not worried about it.

Allie is 2 weeks old today.  She's already getting so much bigger and I already find myself getting a little sad that she's growing up so fast.  (Too soon?)  We attempted to weigh her today and we think she might weigh about 8.5 pounds now if our scale is anywhere close to accurate.  I found a lot more newborn clothes in her closet so I need to get those washed so she can actually wear them.  I feel like she'll be out of that size really soon.

We're kind of obsessed with our little baby.  She's been a master at holding her head up since day one almost.  She can scoot around on our chests and when she's really angry, she straightens her legs and it's almost like she's standing!  She's incredibly strong.  She sleeps GREAT during the day.  We say that she doesn't sleep that great at night but really, she sleeps sometimes for 4-5 hour stretches, which I'd say is pretty good.  We're lucky to have that.  We're still just getting adjusted to not sleeping for 7-8 hours straight.

We haven't quite gotten the hang of breastfeeding just yet.  We both end up messy, but she ends up full so that's all that matters.  We also attempted a public feeding yesterday.  Thankfully, I was prepared with a jacket.  You'd think a dark movie theater would be a decent place to do that discreetly, but she makes SO much noise while she eats.  While I'm on leave, I'm hoping to go to some meetings to maybe get more comfortable and better at it.  Sometimes it feels like we're fighting which I was NOT expecting from a newborn.

So far, she's been an incredibly easy baby.  She's starting to stay awake for longer periods of time, which is getting fun.  It's fun to watch her take in the things around her.  Sometimes it still blows my mind that we have a baby!

MyPublisher.com

My friend Meagan introduced me to MyPublisher.com back in March and I've been itching to make a photo book of my own since looking through all of hers.  She mentioned that there were Groupons for the books all the time and whadda know, the very next week there was!  I bought it immediately and began working on my book.  I didn't buy a wedding book through my photographer so this was the perfect way to put together our pictures to show guests and to look through every now and then without having to be on the computer.  I got the Deluxe Hardcover size but in my opinion, it's a little too big.  All of Meagan's books were the Classic Hardcover size and they looked great.

The quality is so much better than I expected with the larger size.  Even the full-size pictures look fantastic.  I was perusing their website yesterday and they have baby announcements for a really good price so I'm pretty sure I know who we're going to use for those now!

Sorry the pictures are a little out of focus, but you get the point.  I'm obsessed and I can't wait to make more books for all of our vacations!

Pregnancy Observations: Part Two

I'm either done with my second trimester or this is the last week of it.  I've definitely gone through more changes in the last 3 months than I ever thought would be possible for my body to go through.  We thought puberty was bad!  Throughout the second trimester, I've gone from normal clothes to not fitting into anything that wasn't loose before.  I got a haircut because, let's be honest, it was getting a little out of control (case in point--middle photo in the bottom 3).  People stare at me a lot more (or maybe I'm more self-conscious because I'm SICK of wearing makeup so I haven't been putting much on lately).  And I'm getting more and more excited about holding this little baby in my arms instead of around my waist.

Some things I discovered over the past couple of months...

The second trimester truly is the best.  

I had so much energy.  About two weeks ago, I really started having trouble sleeping because I can't lay on my stomach at all anymore.  (Before I got too big, I was able to kind of sleep half on my side, half on my stomach.)  When I wake up, my hips hurt and my shoulders and arms are actually sore from laying on them.  But overall, I felt great.  I no longer had to carry a bottle of Tylenol in my purse and the back pain that I experienced during the first trimester was much more manageable.

People really focus on the negative and like the to tell you all about it.

I'm honestly not nervous about the giving birth part of this whole experience.  (I am extremely nervous about the recovery period though.)  People seem to really like talking about their experiences (which I'm totally fine with) but sometimes a little discretion would be nice.  There are quite a few people that I know that have been pregnant and I love talking to them about how things are going because instead of being negative about things, they really listen and have good advice.  Actually, now that I think about it, it's mostly strangers that I don't like hearing stories from.  My friends have all been incredibly helpful.

Working out is incredibly helpful.

At first, with all my back pain, going to the gym really helped stretch out my back and it really helped me feel good.  Now that I'm not dealing with that as much, I've still been going once or twice a week along with going on long walks at night with Carson because it's been really helpful to keep my hips not hurting at night.  I'm really hoping that by staying slightly active, my recovery time will be a little easier and quicker.  We'll see.  It at least makes me feel better physically and emotionally, which I like.

Pregnancy has turned me into a morning person.

Not willingly.  Literally since the day after I found out I was pregnant, I've been incapable of falling back asleep.  Carson had a shooting tournament a couple weekends ago and had to wake up at 5:45 AM on Saturday and you betcha I was up with him, washing the dishes as he got ready.  There's a part of me that kind of likes it.

I clean so much more than I ever did.

This could very well be because we own our house and I feel more responsible now.  Or it could be because I'm pregnant.  Who knows.  I love vacuuming and I've already told Carson that if he's feeling like buying me anything any time soon, it should be a new vacuum.  I've also made our bed every single morning this year.  Probably not a huge deal to most people, but my mom will understand how big of an accomplishment that is.

I NEVER know what to say when people ask me how pregnancy is going.

I feel INCREDIBLY blessed to have had such an easy pregnancy so far.  Everything has gone great aside from a few minor aches and pains that I DO NOT feel comfortable complaining about.  So when people ask me and I say "Great!" they look at me expectantly and I just don't know what other information they're looking for, haha.  Do people want like...details?  I never know.  People probably think I don't like talking about it or something but I honestly just don't know what else they want me to say.

So now we're down to just 3 months left.  I have mixed emotions about it ending.  On one hand, I love that she's safe in there and nothing can hurt her.  (I have been bumping into a lot more corners lately but I read that the baby is still safe if you fall flat on your belly...so I'm hoping my corner bumping is also okay.)  On the other hand, I want to experience all things baby.  She just needs to stay in at least 10 more weeks so she's full term, then we're ready for her to be here!!

What it Feels like to Gain 20+ Pounds in 6 Months

This might make me seem selfish but I've had a really hard time the past couple of months with this whole gaining weight thing.  So I would like to talk about it.

In college, I gained a good bit of weight.  My freshman and sophomore years, there was more than one occasion that my dinner consisted of an entire package of Oreos washed down with milk.  I was pretty unhappy with my living situation and I had a really hard time living in the dorms and then in a small apartment.  I discovered those first 2 years of college that I am much happier living with a yard.  Even if it's the smallest yard known to man, I just need some kind of a private, grassy area to be happy.  I think growing up with 25 acres to roam will do that to a person.

Anyway, I got chunky.  I felt very ugly and I never dressed well because nothing ever fit right.  I'm pretty sure at one point I tipped the scales at 190.  No wonder no one wanted to date me.

January 2010 rolls around.  I actually got really sick...just like a cold or something and wasn't able to eat solid food for a few days and I lost a few pounds.  I kinda felt good, so I ended up drastically changing the way I ate from then on and was able to lose 40+ pounds over the course of the year.  By the time I graduated in December, I felt amazing.  I weighed less when I graduated college than I did when I graduated high school.  And once I lost a good bit of weight, I was able to eat bad things again and not gain any weight.  I somehow managed to seriously boost my metabolism.

2011 I was able to completely maintain my weight while working at Reynolds.  I might have gained 5 pounds back just from eating out every now and then but typically if I ate a big lunch, I wouldn't eat much dinner.  I bought clothes like crazy because everything looked good on!  Such an amazing feeling.

In 2012 when I moved out to California, Carson and I rarely ever ate out and by cooking all the time, I was able to lose a little more and I consistently weighed 140.  The picture on the left is from our marriage ceremony in March and the picture on the right is from our engagement pictures in April.  Not too huge of a difference but I could feel it.

I was probably my skinniest at our wedding in October.  I wasn't trying to lose weight before the wedding, it just happened that way.  Coincidentally, I was about 2 weeks pregnant.  

Now, I'm 6 months pregnant.  I've gained 21 pounds so far.  It's hard for me to look at pictures and not feel like I felt in the very first picture above.  My face has gotten fatter, my arms are huge and my legs rub together like they used to when I was bigger.  My clothes don't fit well and shopping is miserable.  I feel just so out of control and I don't want to be.  It's kind of terrifying gaining weight EVERY.SINGLE.WEEK.  I honestly should probably quit stepping on the scale but I'm afraid I'll have less control if I don't know how much I've gained each week.

I worry about the fact that I still have 15 weeks left to go.  Do I really have to gain another 15 pounds?  I'm sure I don't HAVE to, but changing my eating habits at this point wouldn't go over too well I don't think.  I honestly don't even feel like I'm eating that much differently than I was before I got pregnant.  I think that's what kills me.  For years, I was able to maintain a healthy weight and now everything that I did before just makes me gain more and more weight.

I know this probably all sounds terrible.  I also feel blessed to be pregnant and to be creating new life.  I'm so thankful that I have a supportive husband by my side.  I'm so in awe at the changes that my body is going through and I know it will be worth it when I hold my daughter in my arms. Fingers crossed.  I'm only 24.  Bounce back, body!  You can do it!