I've never been a worrier. I feel like I've been pretty laid back and kind of just let things happen--at least the for last couple of years. Motherhood has been a whole different ballgame. I feel a constant mix of love/happiness/worry/excitement/sadness/pride. Does she need socks? Is she too hot? Look at that smile! I only have how many days left with her? Will she ever take a bottle? She's so strong! She's SO cute! SQUISHY THIGHS! You just ate! Cold hands! Please let go of my hair/glasses/book. She amazes me every day and I absolutely love being her mother.
I was so concerned in the beginning about getting breastfeeding down. That was my goal and I wasn't going to let anything stand in my way. Because of that, Allie did not take a bottle until after she was 4 weeks old. We've attempted to give her one bottle a week since she was about 2 months old but I'm really worried it's been too little to late. Now, I have 2 weeks before I have to return to work and I'm doing everything I can to try to get her to take a bottle. Once breastfeeding was going good, I should have started giving Allie more bottles. It's hard though considering how easy breastfeeding is now. I hate having to pump, make a bottle, warm the bottle, clean the bottle, etc, etc, etc. I love breastfeeding but now I'm kicking myself.
Speaking of breastfeeding, I heard so much how it makes the pounds just fall off of you. Totally not the case with me but I'm okay with that. I still have 15 pounds to lose but I'm fine with keeping those if it means that I'll be successful breastfeeding (there's that thing again). I'd hate to try really hard to lose those pounds and then have my supply tank. So for now, I'll continue going on walks and running every now and then but I'm not going to push it. Besides, there's a certain baby I'd rather be spending my time with and she can't go running with me yet.
I can tell you the exact moment that I felt a connection with Allie and it wasn't when she was born. That was something that was really important to me and had a big role in my decision to breastfeed and have a natural delivery. I was under the impression that without the impairment of drugs or an epidural, that I would instantly be bonded to my baby. Not the case. It happened at her 8 week Well Check. I was surprised that it took that long, to be honest. During weeks 1-7, I felt very protective but not bonded. When she locked eyes with me across the room in the doctor's office that day, I melted. I love that chunky little baby so much and I'm so excited to be her mom for the rest of my life and watch her grow.
I struggle with my priorities. One night, Carson asked me if I felt like a mom first and a wife second. The answer was yes, absolutely yes. The night before, I had just been talking to my bible study group about how I'm struggling to realign my priorities. I'm so totally wrapped up in everything Allie that I've been totally fine pushing my marriage and my relationship with God to the side. I think it will be something I struggle with everyday. I can totally see how parents get so wrapped up in their children's lives that they forget who they are and who their spouse is. If I'm not with her, I'm thinking about her. If I'm not holding her, I'm thinking about her. If I AM with her, I'm thinking about her. When she's sleeping, I'm thinking about her. At this point, I absolutely can not fathom having another child.
I thought that I would want Allie wearing a headband constantly but it truly hurts my heart when I take it off and it has left a mark on her little head. She even has a tiny head! She was only in the 17th percentile at her 2 month doctor visit for head size. She may look like a little boy at times, but I can't handle the feeling that I'm squishing her head just for the sake of cuteness. Beauty should not be pain until you can choose to do it to yourself.
My views on abortion and child abuse are different and very passionate now. After carrying my child for 40+ weeks and experiencing life with her in the flesh for the past 13 weeks, the thought of people murdering their children or having a child and possibly not wanting it or not doing the responsible thing if they know they can't care for it--it makes me want to throw up. Bakersfield has something called the Garden of Innocence and recently buried three babies that were unwanted and died. I can't even read/watch the stories without tearing up. Here's the recent article on the Garden of Innocence.
I have mixed emotions about my return to work. Carson and I have talked quite a bit about whether I should return or not. Ultimately, I feel like no matter what I decide, there will be a part of me that wishes I could have the other. One on hand, I like that working will allow for me to maintain my identity (something I struggle with when spending 24/7 with Allie) and will give me a chance to get up in the mornings and have something to look nice for. Something to get me out of the house and some adult interaction. On the other hand, I'm devastated that I won't be able to be at home with Allie. I'll miss our moments together and I hate that by the time I get home, it will basically be time to start her bedtime routine and put her down. I don't know how things will be when I go back to work. I imagine things will be difficult. But we've already experienced a little of what it would be like these past couple of months and it's not exactly easy either.
I had so many things I thought I would do in regards to sleeping. I've coslept a couple of times but I slept so terribly that I didn't think it was worth it. I was so aware of the fact that she was there that I couldn't fall into a very deep sleep. It's adorable being right next to her while she's sleeping but not something I could do every night. To ensure that Carson could get sleep, I slept on the couch and in the guest room with Allie in the bassinet or rocker for 6 weeks and then we moved her into her room and crib. I thought I might have issues with letting Allie 'cry it out' but I have zero. She's a good sleeper and if it takes 2 minutes of crying for her to get there, so be it. She's been sleeping in her crib almost exclusively since she was about 7 weeks old.
I learn something new every day. I never thought much about what it would be like to be a mother but it is far better than anything I ever dreamed of.
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