Thoughts on Motherhood

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I've never been a worrier.  I feel like I've been pretty laid back and kind of just let things happen--at least the for last couple of years.  Motherhood has been a whole different ballgame.  I feel a constant mix of love/happiness/worry/excitement/sadness/pride.  Does she need socks?  Is she too hot?  Look at that smile!  I only have how many days left with her?  Will she ever take a bottle?  She's so strong!  She's SO cute!  SQUISHY THIGHS!  You just ate!  Cold hands!  Please let go of my hair/glasses/book.  She amazes me every day and I absolutely love being her mother.

I was so concerned in the beginning about getting breastfeeding down.  That was my goal and I wasn't going to let anything stand  in my way.  Because of that, Allie did not take a bottle until after she was 4 weeks old.  We've attempted to give her one bottle a week since she was about 2 months old but I'm really worried it's been too little to late.  Now, I have 2 weeks before I have to return to work and I'm doing everything I can to try to get her to take a bottle.  Once breastfeeding was going good, I should have started giving Allie more bottles.  It's hard though considering how easy breastfeeding is now.  I hate having to pump, make a bottle, warm the bottle, clean the bottle, etc, etc, etc.  I love breastfeeding but now I'm kicking myself.

Speaking of breastfeeding, I heard so much how it makes the pounds just fall off of you.  Totally not the case with me but I'm okay with that.  I still have 15 pounds to lose but I'm fine with keeping those if it means that I'll be successful breastfeeding (there's that thing again).  I'd hate to try really hard to lose those pounds and then have my supply tank.  So for now, I'll continue going on walks and running every now and then but I'm not going to push it.  Besides, there's a certain baby I'd rather be spending my time with and she can't go running with me yet.

I can tell you the exact moment that I felt a connection with Allie and it wasn't when she was born.  That was something that was really important to me and had a big role in my decision to breastfeed and have a natural delivery.  I was under the impression that without the impairment of drugs or an epidural, that I would instantly be bonded to my baby.  Not the case.  It happened at her 8 week Well Check.  I was surprised that it took that long, to be honest.  During weeks 1-7, I felt very protective but not bonded.  When she locked eyes with me across the room in the doctor's office that day, I melted.  I love that chunky little baby so much and I'm so excited to be her mom for the rest of my life and watch her grow.

I struggle with my priorities.  One night, Carson asked me if I felt like a mom first and a wife second.  The answer was yes, absolutely yes.  The night before, I had just been talking to my bible study group about how I'm struggling to realign my priorities.  I'm so totally wrapped up in everything Allie that I've been totally fine pushing my marriage and my relationship with God to the side.  I think it will be something I struggle with everyday.  I can totally see how parents get so wrapped up in their children's lives that they forget who they are and who their spouse is.  If I'm not with her, I'm thinking about her.  If I'm not holding her, I'm thinking about her.  If I AM with her, I'm thinking about her.  When she's sleeping, I'm thinking about her.  At this point, I absolutely can not fathom having another child.

I thought that I would want Allie wearing a headband constantly but it truly hurts my heart when I take it off and it has left a mark on her little head.  She even has a tiny head!  She was only in the 17th percentile at her 2 month doctor visit for head size.  She may look like a little boy at times, but I can't handle the feeling that I'm squishing her head just for the sake of cuteness.  Beauty should not be pain until you can choose to do it to yourself.

My views on abortion and child abuse are different and very passionate now.  After carrying my child for 40+ weeks and experiencing life with her in the flesh for the past 13 weeks, the thought of people murdering their children or having a child and possibly not wanting it or not doing the responsible thing if they know they can't care for it--it makes me want to throw up.  Bakersfield has something called the Garden of Innocence and recently buried three babies that were unwanted and died.  I can't even read/watch the stories without tearing up.  Here's the recent article on the Garden of Innocence.

I have mixed emotions about my return to work.  Carson and I have talked quite a bit about whether I should return or not.  Ultimately, I feel like no matter what I decide, there will be a part of me that wishes I could have the other.  One on hand, I like that working will allow for me to maintain my identity (something I struggle with when spending 24/7 with Allie) and will give me a chance to get up in the mornings and have something to look nice for.  Something to get me out of the house and some adult interaction.  On the other hand, I'm devastated that I won't be able to be at home with Allie.  I'll miss our moments together and I hate that by the time I get home, it will basically be time to start her bedtime routine and put her down.  I don't know how things will be when I go back to work.  I imagine things will be difficult.  But we've already experienced a little of what it would be like these past couple of months and it's not exactly easy either.

I had so many things I thought I would do in regards to sleeping.  I've coslept a couple of times but I slept so terribly that I didn't think it was worth it.  I was so aware of the fact that she was there that I couldn't fall into a very deep sleep.  It's adorable being right next to her while she's sleeping but not something I could do every night.  To ensure that Carson could get sleep, I slept on the couch and in the guest room with Allie in the bassinet or rocker for 6 weeks and then we moved her into her room and crib.  I thought I might have issues with letting Allie 'cry it out' but I have zero.  She's a good sleeper and if it takes 2 minutes of crying for her to get there, so be it.  She's been sleeping in her crib almost exclusively since she was about 7 weeks old.

I learn something new every day.  I never thought much about what it would be like to be a mother but it is far better than anything I ever dreamed of.

Citrus Lane September Box Review

Citrus Lane is a monthly subscription service that sends products for babies based on their age.  It is normally $25/month (plus tax).  I found a coupon code for 50% off a Citrus Lane box and decided to try it.  We received our first box in September.  Just like Birchbox, you receive a notification when your box ships and you can track it.  Citrus Lane ships from somewhere on the West Coast, so I get it much quicker than I get my Birchbox.  They also ship later in the month--around the 20th or so.

I received the following items:

Skip Hop Hug & Hide Lamb Chime Ball ($16.99 Amazon)  Allie seems to like the chime ball and I'm glad it's a lamb.  Lambs are special to the Noble family.  

Charley Harper 123s Board Book ($9.95 Amazon)  I like that it came with a book, but I wish it came with a different book.  I think the illustrations are unclear and confusing.

Dr. Smith's Diaper Ointment ($3.74 Amazon)  The ointment went straight in my diaper bag.  I like that it's more of a paste than a gel.  

Babytime Playful Wash ($2.40 Amazon)  The soap is a vegan, gluten free, natural product.  It's a bit runny but it does suds up well.  We'll use it, but we wouldn't buy it regularly.  

Julep Nail Polish in Coco ($14 Amazon)  The nail polish was a nice touch but I don't think it should be in this type of box.  Maybe I just didn't like it since I already subscribe to Birchbox,  but I bought a KID box for products to use for my child.  I do really like the nail polish though.  It's a really pretty maroon color and it is the full size of the product.

Total Box Value: $47.08

I'm still not sure how I feel about the box.  The products I received are definitely worth well more than the monthly cost but I worry about stocking up on useless baby junk.  I'm trying to keep the accumulation of toys and stuff to a minimum.  I think I'll get at least another box or two before I decide whether I want to cancel.

9 Weeks

At 9 weeks old, Allison is:
-sleeping great!  She has started to eat every two hours during the day but she has slept 7-10 hours each night in her crib this past week.
-rolling on to her side
-starting to reach for things
-gnawing on her thumb

two months

Weight:  Allison weighed 12 lbs 2 oz at her 8 week check up (87th percentile).  She is 21 3/4 inches long.  I no longer feel confident laying her sideways in the crib because she only has to scoot a little to have her head or toes touching the slats.  She's now laying lengthwise in the crib.  

Health: So far so good!  We haven't had any health issues this month.  Carson is always in charge of the nasal aspirator because I just don't have the heart to do it.  He also takes care of her fingernails.  Allie got her first round of immunizations at her 8 week appointment.  It was heart wrenching seeing her in that much pain.  
Sleep:  At the peak of Allison's 6 weeks of fussiness, we decided we needed a change.  We started keeping tracking of when she was eating and when she needed to be sleeping and we've been a lot more successful with sleeping at night. At 7 weeks, she started sleeping about 5-7 hours each night.  She sleeps significantly longer in the Rock n' Play than in her crib but she naps/sleeps 90% of the time in her crib.  We're still working on getting a nighttime routine established .  

Diet:  Still going strong with breastfeeding!  We're trying to get her used to drinking out of a bottle now.  She tends to take MUCH less from the bottle and will still want to eat when I get home.  

Clothes:  We haven't tried to put her in any NB clothes in a few weeks.  We officially switched over to 3 Mo around 6 weeks.  She's wearing a mix of 0-3, 3, and 3-6 sized clothes.  Last week, we started putting her in size 2 diapers. 
Baby Gear Love:  It's not really 'gear' but I downloaded an app called Relax and Sleep and it has been incredibly helpful with Allie.  Since we live in the suburbs, there are lots of noises throughout the day like lawn mowers and dogs barking so if she's having trouble sleeping, I just turn on the white noise on this app and leave my phone in her room with her.  We also had an instance where we were parked on an Interstate in LA and Allie was stirring since the car wasn't moving anymore.  We turned on the app and set the phone by her and she slept through the whole 45 minutes that we were stuck.

Social:  This month Allison really started being interested in faces.  She's looked closely at Carson and me all month but in week 7, we had about 10 people over to our house for a draft party and she was so interested in all the guests.  She refused to nap and she totally loved being held by all the women.  As each person walked in, she stared and stared.  You could tell she was trying to figure out who these new people were.  It was adorable.  She also smiles all the time now  and has gotten close to laughing.
Crying:  Now that we're more in tune with her sleeping needs, she cries MUCH less.  Once we got past week 6, it's been so much easier.
Likes:  She still loves baths and she loves when we help her stand up.  She'll lean forward, raise her eyebrows, and look into your soul when she stands up.  It's adorable.
Dislikes:  Allie doesn't particularly like being in her carseat when she's not in a moving vehicle.  We still have a hard time using the stroller with the carseat--it's not enough movement to keep her satisfied.  I think soon we'll quit using the carseat once she gets a little more control over her neck and I'm hoping that she'll be okay since she'll be able to look at things.
Postpartum:  I still feel great.  I'd love to work out more but it's difficult to find the time or motivation.  Now that Allie goes to sleep so early, it's hard to go on walks in the evening.  I have been sneaking away to yoga class on Tuesday nights.  The carpal tunnel issues I was having with my left hand are gone now and I was able to get my rings back on.  I can get my Aggie ring on but it's very snug.
Milestones:  We got our first real smiles this month and went on our first vacation.  Allison now stares at the sun on her playmat and will watch us from across the room.  She also says 'oh' in the most adorable way

7 & 8 Weeks

At 7 weeks old, Allison is:
-growing a fresh crop of blonde hairs all over her head
-comfortably fitting into 3 month clothes
-working on more of a "schedule" now and life is MUCH easier
-sleeping 5, 6, or 7 hour stretches at night
-pumping her legs and taking 3 deep breaths when she's excited about something

At 8 weeks old, Allison is:
-uncomfortably fitting into her size 1 diapers but we're trying to finish out what we have before moving her up to size 2
-giving us all kinds of crazy surprised eyes (started 9/1/13)
-almost laughing (first hints on 9/2/13)
-loving standing more than sitting
-officially immunized (received first round on 9/4/13)

6 Weeks

It blows my mind how much Allison changes.  At first, I didn't notice it much, which seems crazy since all she's been doing is changing every day.  But yesterday, on August 23rd, Allison started smiling at everything!

At 6 weeks old, Allison:
-has a wicked case of baby acne
-coos and smiles at us when she wakes up from her naps
-sleeps a lot better when we swaddle her (which we haven't done since she was a few days old.  we're either better swaddlers, or she fights her way out of it less now)
-still likes facing out, but looks up at me when we walk around
-is getting longer and darker eyelashes
-started smiling for realsies
-makes the cutest sounds like 'heh' and 'ooh'
-usually sleeps between 8-12 every morning. Other than that, nothing is constant with sleep

After 6 weeks, I:
-had my 6 week checkup and the doctor said my uterus is still big
-have bruises all over my body that my doctor says is from the extra hormones that are still sticking around

Currently...

At 5 weeks old, Allison:

-has finally started to overwhelm me (what's sleep?)
-hates the pacifier
-still has a couple of chins
-grabs onto my hair and won't let go
-follows her reflection in the mirror
-still has blue eyes and reddish hair
-looks more and more like Carson every day
-prefers to be held facing out
-lifts her head during tummy time when I ask her to (or is that just in my head?)

After 5 weeks, I:

-use Visene daily
-went back to the gym and it felt great
-was finally able to shove my engagement ring back on my finger (still waiting for the Aggie ring to fit again)
-am SICK of social media (what else is there to do while breastfeeding?)
-get so happy when she smiles, and get so sad when she frowns (she's mastered both)
-still think that breastfeeding is hard sometimes but wouldn't dream of doing it any differently
-can't imagine how parents survived without Google